Every Monday, I answer a few of the questions that my readers send me. If you have a question you’d like me to answer in a future Q&A post, just leave me a comment here or email me (thefrugalgirl [at] gmail [dot] com) and put Q&A in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!
I’m not sure you’ve answered it before… but how did you come up with your children’s names? I’m just wondering, because I tend to think of Joshua and Elizabeth as more traditional, and Sonia and Zoe as more modern. It’s a happy blend!
-Reese
Someone else wondered the same thing and I answered it (kind of at length, now that I look at it) in an older Q&A post. The name question was definitely the least controversial one in that particular Q&A. 😉
As a homeschooling mom, what is your response to people who say about your kids, “Well, I know they will get a good education, but what about the social aspect”? (or do you not get that?)
-Esther
I touched on the socialization subject a bit in a 2009 Q&A post, so you might want to give that a read. Usually when someone asks me the socialization question, I hit most of the talking points I shared there.
In a nutshell, I’m not really worried about it. Studies have shown that homeschool graduates are at least as successful or more successful at things like getting a job and being involved in their communities, and my own experience has borne that out. I didn’t have a bit of trouble making friends in college or at my Nordstrom job, and I’ve never had difficulty maintaining personal relationships with friends in my post college years either.
If anything, I’m actually better at socializing than Mr. FG is, and he was 100% public schooled. That’s partly a personality thing (public school doesn’t necessarily hamper social skills), but it’s clear that homeschooling doesn’t necessarily turn out social misfits either.
Sometimes I think that non-homeschoolers think that we homeschoolers stay home every single day, all day, with our doors and windows shut, but this is not true (well, at least not in every case!). We go to church, my children play with neighborhood children (who happen to go to traditional schools), we go to parks, we go shopping, we get together with extended family, we go to doctor and dentist appointments, and we have people over.
Also, I think it’s always good to remember that not all the socialization that children receive at public school is positive…impressionable young children can pick up bad habits as well as good habits from their peers. Hopefully as my children get older, they’ll grow strong enough to resist bad influences, but I’m grateful that in these early, impressionable years, I’m able to have a lot of control over who is influencing them.
I know I’m kind of running on here, but one last thing I want to say is that some people will be dorky and socially inept no matter where they go to school. Some of us are just not as gifted socially as others are, and public school won’t change that (I’m sure most of you can remember some geeky, socially inept people from your high school).
So, yeah…socialization is just not really on my concern radar. 🙂
I love that you and Mr. FG have a take-out date night every Friday. My husband and I are trying to do the same thing (not always take-out though). What do you do with the kids? Do you feed the kids, put them to bed and then have your date? We are having a hard time figuring out what to do with the kids. They are not a fan of Mommy and Daddy having Steak-n-Shake and they are having mac-n-cheese. Any advice?
-Shannon
We always feed them first, on the early end of things, and then when they’re done, we have our dinner. While we eat, they head back to Joshua’s room, where they usually watch some cartoons (or Mythbusters). They know that once we start eating, they’re supposed to leave us in peace, and since they’re not super young anymore, they do pretty well with that. If your kids are really young, you might have to resort to putting them to bed early and eating your dinner then.
Although our kids might like to eat our takeout food sometimes, they’re generally happy with this arrangement since they get to watch more cartoons than they’re usually allowed to watch! Plus, they usually get to eat something very kid-friendly for their Friday night meal.
And really, even if they weren’t thrilled with the takeout date night plan despite our best efforts to make it kid-friendly, it wouldn’t deter us. Having some alone time to talk to each other is very good for our marital relationship and a good marital relationship is good for the kids. Your marital relationship is really important, so even if your kids are a little balky, I’d persist in the date night habit. You’re the parent, you are wiser than your children, and in the long run, your children will be grateful that you put effort into maintaining your marriage.
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Readers with children, how do you handle date nights? And homeschooling readers, what do you say to the oft-asked socialization question?
Today’s 365 post: You might think this is just a tent.
Brittany
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
That's very true Kristen. I've mostly learned what not to do from my mother when it comes to parenting as well as other things. I agree though that homeschooling can be a very good tool when used properly (as can any tool) and I just had a bad experience with it and it's encouraging to see it being used properly :) By the way, who do you use as your homeschooling provider, or do you just use your own curriculum that you put together?
Kristen
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
I use a mish-mash of stuff! I have done some relatively specific posts about what I use in the early grades, though...if you look in the homeschooling category, you can find those posts.
Brittany
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
First of all Kristen, let me say that I absolutely love your blog and enjoy your daily posts! I was first drawn to your blog because I'm pregnant with mine and my husband's second child and our plans are for me to stay home full time once I have her so I'm despirate for any ways to save money to make this possible!
Anyway, I think that you seem to do an excellent job in homeschooling (and well every aspect of being a wife/mother) but I actually have an opinion from personal experience that I'd like to share in reference to homeschooling. I'm not saying that you have a problem with any of this but I think it's good to get this out to other homeschooling parents so that they can consider these issues and what they could be doing to their children (albeit good intentions).
I was homeschooled from k5-8th grade by my mother (who dropped out of hs when she found out that she hadn't passed 10th grade, so she has a 9th grade education level) and then went to a private Christian school (it was pre k through 12th grade). I feel that although my mother loved me, she homeschooled me for selfish reasons (keeping me near her and not having to let me go as I grew up). My sister was born when I was 15 and a half so I was basically raised an only child. My mother wouldn't/didn't involve me in any outside activities other than church but at the time our church was smaller and really didn't have many children my age. I was always shy and to myself (wouldn't even stand up for myself) until after a couple of years of high school and I progressively got better towards the end of high school, through college and now through work/life experiences. I was never given a bed time or wake up time, I just started school when I got up (which was great to me as a kid!) I also slacked a lot in ways I won't go into but they affected me when I started at an actual school and still affect me to this day! I still have problems with time...it's taken a LOT of work to get just a little bit better at being on time and having some concept of time for me and well, she still doesn't get it and is doing the same thing with my lil sister. Most of the arguments that my husband and I have are from my being late and although I'm an adult now and responsible for my actions, her upbringing definately had it's affect on me (I also grew up with my mom and dad arguing about her being late all of the time). I also have two cousins who are homeschooled, one has already graduated and basically had the same situation, only his mother wouldn't even allow him to go to our youth group at our church because "the kids were bad examples" and they didn't like the music they listened to during worship (contemp Christian)...so he has had zero socialization and he definately shows it! The other cousin is I believe a junior in hs and is actually a little better off than the other cousin because his mother actually graduated hs and is organized and though she wouldn't involve him in anything where he was socialized (they don't even go to church, and they live in my great grandmother's basement) his father has stepped in and gets him involved so I think he's going to actually be ok. Oh, and both my mother and the first one's mother (both sisters) didn't even graduate high school themselves! I don't see how that's even legal for them to have homeschooled. My point (since I've basically been rambling on) is this, I think that homeschooling can be an awesome tool if executed properly. Fortunately for me I was/am a determined/self driven person and pushed myself to become a better person than my mother would have raised me to be (good in nature but not prepared for the world and life). I actually had to basically lie to my mom and dad to be able to play softball in hs my senior year. My mother didn't want me to because it was fast pitch and she didn't want me to get hurt...I told her that since I would be 18 before the season started that I didn't have to have their signatures (they then signed it anyway and I got to play). Again, although loving of her to not want me to get hurt, it was also selfish of her to try to keep me under her wings for ever...it's just not realistic or good for a child. Basically I ask that for those parents who choose to homeschool their children, please don't be selfish with the choices you make in how you homeschool. Involve them with other children and activities and give them a set schedule. Those are two major things that my mother didn't do a good job with and it still affects me to this day!
Kristen
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
I can definitely see where that sort of environment would be a problem. But it almost seems that the issue there isn't even homeschooling but rather parenting.
Fortunately for me, my homeschooling experience was pretty much the exact opposite of yours. My mom is a very orderly person, so we did our work diligently and regularly, we were involved in activities at church and with family, we played with neighborhood kids, we had regular (early!) bedtimes, and I just feel so blessed to have had the childhood I did.
Karen
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
When I began home schooling our two, fourteen years ago, I faced a veritable barrage of "socialization" comments. Most were not made in a way I considered very "sociable" either. I am more comfortable on my own than with a large group. My children are very different. Both were involved in outside activities where they were able to spend time with lots of other kids their age and where group efforts were a priority. They also were very much at ease interacting with all age groups including seniors, mainly because they were also learning life skills by participating in activities involving age groups other than their own. We have had many comments about how polite, and respectful they are, as well as their ability to carry on a conversation with any age group. The oldest chose to be exclusively homeschooled and graduated on the principal's list. (We chose a program aligned with the public system, with the same course materials, and graded by a branch of the public system) The second chose to switch to public school in junior high school for access to sports programs.
This is where the questionable socialization has occurred. Another student spit copiously in my kid's face one day, in class, after several attempts to cause humiliation, my kid finally reacted, and then immediately went to the principal's office to accept the consequences. The spitting kid took off. The principal called us and said that if every kid behaved like ours, he would not have a job to do, and commended our kid's maturity. Both kids have a core group of well adjusted friends and are remarkably comfortable handling peer pressure.
I believe that the biggest difference in home schooled kids is that they tend to learn how to think, as opposed to learning what to think. I also think that is why I found kindergarden the most difficult year of teaching. I had to figure out how to teach my kids to think and learn rather than just making sure they remembered the "learning objectives".
My youngest recently discussed the current trend of some of his "popular" classmates, who have begun to host house parties, usually when their parents are at work or out of town, with some outcomes ranging from unfortunate to tragic. When I said that I would not be at all comfortable with that situation, he was easily able to pinpoint what he described as "security and privacy issues" as the reason, as well as how and why those issues could arise.
In public school, regardless of the dedication of the teachers, they are dealing with so many individuals, with so many different learning styles and backgrounds, that an overall minimum level of achievement is freqently the best that can be hoped for. When one of mine had trouble with a subject, I could, and was motivated to spend as much time as was needed to resolve the problem. In a classroom, there is a very limited amount of time that a teacher can spend with any given student without neglecting the rest.
I would definitely encourage any parent who can be there to homeschool their children to at least try it. Textbook material is only a small portion of what you will both learn. If socialization is a concern, make a point of obtaining opportunities to learn it, just like you make a point of learning to read or swim. Public school teachers, on the whole, do the very best job they can, given the limitations they are subject to. Parents however, have the greatest emotional investment in their children, and a much more ideal student/teacher ratio. For us, it was worth every minute invested, and we would do it again in a heartbeat.
Ban Clothing
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
I know when I went through school I was very nervous speaking infornt of a class. If I was home schooled I would not have experienced that pressure. Through those awful experiences it developed me into a confident public speaker which has proved crucial in my career. Another thing I think home schooled kids miss out on is working in groups. It's not the same as playing with other kids. Public school is filled with group projects where you have to learn to work with other and also successfully complete a task. This is a life skill that is underdeveloped in home schooled individuals. At a job you don't get to choose who you want to work with and being able to complete a task with different personalities is necessary.
CB
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
You say "this is a life skill that's undeveloped in home schooled individual" with authority, as if there has been a study on the subject. Is that what you mean? Or do you mean that you think it is a life skill that home schoolers don't have the same opportunities to develop?
I wasn't home schooled myself, but I'm starting to see that the paradigm through which I viewed alternative forms of education was very narrowed by my conventional experience. I think that it's unfounded to think that different skills (socialization, team work, public speaking) can best/only be developed through the traditional schooling system.
Kristen
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
Ban C-are you basing this on personal experience? A study you've read? Or is it just speculation? I think sometimes people who aren't familiar with homeschoolers make assumptions about homeschool graduates based mostly on speculation. Studies have shown that homeschool graduates do well in college, do well in the workforce, and tend to be involved in their communities.
As far as my experience goes, I took a speech class in college, and I wouldn't say my public-schooled peers were any more confident than I was. Also, there are more than a handful of homeschooled people who make their living doing public speaking (Joshua Harris comes to mind).
I can't say that I was super-impressed with how my public-schooled college peers worked in groups. Their idea of working in a group was to do nothing and let the conscientious people do all the work.
Again, I'm not saying everyone who goes to public school is a lousy speaker and can't work in a group...I'm just saying that based on my experience, I certainly wasn't any worse off that my public-schooled counterparts.
Alice
Tuesday 3rd of May 2011
My homeschooled children are involved in activities that provide opportunities to work in groups and to develop public speaking skills. If a parent feels that those skills are important there are many opportunities available to them. My boys placed first and second in public speaking at their 4H club this year. It wasn't due to extra practice time. (We procrastinated until the last moment... oops!) We also participate with our local homeschooling association. Most of the children I meet through the association are very sociable. I believe socialization becomes an excuse for parents that are convinced that public school is the best, or only option, or that don't have the time or desire to homeschool their children. Neither method is perfect, we do what works for us!
I believe that it doesn't matter what we learn, if I teach my kids HOW to learn. When they are motivated to learn something, they will. I've seen this work so many times already in the 5 years we have homeschooled. I still get excited by those little moments when the kids learn something new, or something they have struggled with.
Alice.
Alice
Monday 2nd of May 2011
I was very concerned about socialization when we started homeschooling. I now look back and laugh at my unfounded worry! My boys are actively involved in many different activities; 4H, swim club, soccer, cadets, to name the most recent ones. These activities provide structured and unstructured time to socialize with their peers.
Like The Happy Wife/Danielle I have found my boys interact well with children of all ages. Yesterday my 10 year old son was happily playing with a four year old girl at a birthday party. They played tag, hide-and-seek, pass the ball, and he pulled her around in a wagon. This little girl was not his cousin, he had never met her before, but he found a way for them both to have fun.
I also involve my children in my life. They attend performances of my choir, the same way I attend their 4H speeches. I think experiencing their parents getting involved in their community will teach them that this is a regular part of life.
We don't live in a bubble, we don't shut out the world, but we can choose to find positive influences for our children to be around. There is no right answer to schooling. You find what works for you and then you go for it. My kids may choose to attend school in the future, if and when they do, I'll support them with that too.
Alice.