When I wrote about tips for used car shopping, I mentioned this equation:
Reality
– Expectations
___________
Happiness
The idea here is that if, say, you take your kids to the park and you expect a level 10 experience and the reality is that you get a level 5 experience, your happiness level will be at a negative 5.
But if you expect something more realistic like a level 5 experience, then if you get a level 5 experience, your happiness level will not be in the negative.
I have mixed feelings about this equation.
Maybe it’s true?
On the one hand, having low/realistic expectations definitely does produce a lot of happiness in my life.
For instance, I had almost no expectations for my blog when I started it, which meant that the early days of 20 readers/day and $2/month in revenue actually made me very happy.
I was all, “Holy moly! Someone is reading what I’m writing! This is amazing!”
portrait of a blogger making $2/month
If I’d expected hundreds of readers and thousands of dollars, I’d have been down in the dumps.
I also have somewhat reasonable expectations of my body’s appearance. I have a lot of stretch marks and some extra skin and I carry a little extra fat here and there, but hey, I’m 40, and I’ve had four kids.
I expected to be a lot worse for the wear at this point than I am, so I feel pretty happy.
On the other hand, some people who look just like me feel unhappy with their bodies because they have higher expectations for their looks than I do for myself.
(FYI, not saying all body image issues have to do with expectations. I know it’s more complicated than that for a lot of people!)
Anyway. So, maybe it’s true…
Or maybe it’s not.
On the other hand, I don’t think it’s great to go through life expecting/anticipating disaster and gloom just to avoid disappointment. That’s not going to make you a happy person.
When I was pregnant with my first baby, a number of women told me awful horror stories about labor and delivery. I was fairly convinced that this was going to be the most torturous experience of my life, somewhat akin to being stabbed repeatedly.
Me with baby Sonia
It turned out to be not nearly as bad as people told me it would be, which did cause some relief after my first labor and delivery experience. But the months of dread while I was pregnant were totally not worth the post-birth relief.
On the frugality front
I think that having realistic expectations about life can definitely help you to cheerfully live on less.
If you expect that you’ll own a million-dollar house by the time you’re 30, you probably will be disappointed. But if you expect something more attainable, you’ll be much more likely to experience happiness.
If you expect that nothing you own will break/need repair, you’ll be pretty upset when you have to spend the money you saved.
But if you anticipate repairs and maintenance, then spending that money won’t make you so unhappy.
You can definitely doom and gloom yourself into misery with financial expectations too, though.
If you go through life with a, “Things are always breaking. I’m never going to make enough money. Everyone else will always have more than I have.” womp-wompy kind of attitude, then you definitely are setting your expectations low, but you are totally not increasing your life happiness level.
After all, Eeyore has low expectations, but no one holds him up as an example of happy living.
Plus, if you have an Eeyore attitude, you’re kind of primed to look for the things that go wrong, and that doesn’t help to increase happiness either!
What’s the answer?
I’m not quite sure what to think about this issue except that maybe it’s good to have expectations/hopes/dreams, but that it’s also good to hold them a little loosely.
If you are really rigid with your expectations, you increase the possibility for disappointment. And flexibility goes a long way toward increasing the possibility of happiness.
Also, maybe it’s smart to check your expectations to see if they’re remotely realistic.
Expecting my kids to never get into a car accident is not realistic.
Expecting my kids to never fight isn’t realistic.
Expecting to never touch my emergency fund isn’t realistic.
Expecting to have four babies and still keep the body from my teens isn’t realistic.
So.
Hope for good things, be flexible with those hopes, and give yourself some grace when you can’t meet your unrealistic expectations. 😉
__________________
Eileen
Friday 19th of May 2023
I think this conundrum is solved by gratitude.
‘I took my kids to Disney and it was so hot and crowded. BUT we can afford to go to Disney, we managed to do most of the things, and we had fun.’
And like most advice, I should practice what I preach more.
Thanks for being you, Kristen!
Jen
Friday 19th of May 2023
Trying to work on less expectations and being more in the moment so this was a thoughtful post for me. I think many people (not so much among FG readers perhaps) have skewed expectations from social media. The younger generations especially are comparing themselves to a glorified and sanitized version of life that is mostly unattainable. Being an oldster, I sometimes find my expectations out of line because of changing times/norms…I’m not sure quite what to call it. The first washing machine i owned lasted 15 years, which seemed reasonable. The second one i owned lasted 3 years and when i tried to get it repaired (before the pandemic which added even more challenges) I was told that the cost to replace the electronics would be within $100 of the cost of a new machine because “appliances are designed to last 3-5 years now.” Really? Craziness. It does seem to be true, however, based on the number of refrigerators my friends and family have gone through in the last 10 years while i am still trucking along with my ancient one.
Jem
Friday 19th of May 2023
I also like the saying “Expect the best, prepare for the worst.” But on thinking of it further, implicit in it is the idea that you are aware of a whole range of possible outcomes. I think when you are fixed on one particular outcome and refuse to even consider that you may get a different one there’s a potential for a lot of disappointment. Holding the range in mind is optimal because you get the pleasure of anticipating something nice (expecting the best) as well as the comfort of knowing that if that doesn’t work out you will have mitigated the situation as best you could (preparing for the worst).
In my case, I think age has helped with my expectations. I can’t un-know that a whole range of experiences could result from any situation because I’ve seen so many of them and been surprised so many times!
Kristen
Friday 19th of May 2023
Ah yes, I like this. Flexibility!
Alina
Tuesday 7th of July 2020
I think it is important to have expectations that are true to you. Yes, for some people maintaining perfect looks after 4 babies is not realistic, but others are willing to go the extra mile to get there and for them it is attainable and makes them happy. So who are we to judge?
Rolien Verbruggen
Friday 20th of July 2018
You write as if we have a choice between low expectations and high expectations. But what if we try to have no expectations at all? We go to the park with our kids and we have no expectations about how much we will enjoy ourselvces, if they will behave nicely or not etc etc.
We just experience the day as it unfolds. Of course there's no harm in preparing, checking the weather forecast etc. But you can prepare all you want, something unexpected can always happen.
Kristen
Friday 20th of July 2018
Hmm, that's an interesting thought! It sounds like you are very good at living in the moment, and I respect that. You could teach me a lesson or two!