Responses to a few recent posts got me ruminating on this topic, so I thought I’d throw some thoughts into a blog post.
Let’s jump in, shall we?
We are all making choices with our money every day.
And those choices will vary from person to person.
These choices don’t necessarily make one person frugal and one person not frugal.
Rather, these decisions show us where our priorities lie.
And priorities vary from person to person, as they should. Everyone’s life situation, preferences, and values are different, and the monetary choices they make will be different too.
Why does this matter?
Well, it’s relevant because it affects how we view other people’s choices. And we in the frugal community can sometimes get a little bit…judgy.
If we think our priorities are the ones that are right, then we’ll look down our noses at people whose spending priorities are different than our own.
But really, what we should hope for other people is that they will make spending decisions that reflect their priorities, even if those priorities are different than ours.
Remember Amy Dacyzyn of The Tightwad Gazette? I recall her pointing out that there was nothing frugal about owning a large home and having six kids and two dogs.
(Having a small home with no kids and no pets would be far more frugal.)
But those things mattered to her, so she sacrificed in other areas to make the home/kids/dogs happen.
Take my friend Katy and me.
Katy is arguably more frugal than me in hundreds of ways. She’d never buy a pair of jeans from Stitch Fix, she eats beans on a regular basis, she buys almost everything second-hand, and so on.
But she’s doing a lot of that so she can cash-flow her two sons’ college room and board, which is a huge expense.
On the other hand, we never have beans for dinner, I buy plenty of stuff new (Amazon Prime, I love you!), and I do own this pair of $68 Stitch Fix jeans.
But my kids are starting out their college careers in high school with half-price tuition. And they plan to get their associates at the community college, while living at home, before transferring to a four year school.
Does this mean I’m frugal, and Katy’s not? Or that Katy’s frugal and I’m not?
Should Katy be horrified about my jeans? Should I be horrified about Katy’s college bills?
Nope. We’re both trying to make the best financial decisions that we can, given our family situations and priorities.
I think the point of frugality is this: to save money on the things that don’t matter to us, so that we can spend on the things that do.
No one can tell us how that should look, because only we know what our priorities are.
Maybe you’ll live in a tiny home but spend money on travel.
Maybe you’ll eat beans so that you can buy more shoes.
Maybe you’ll drive an old car, but have 5 dogs.
Maybe you won’t renovate your kitchen, but you will buy local meat.
It’s easy to think that what we choose to spend money on is just prioritized spending, but that what other people spend money on is a sign of poor money management.
And it’s easy to forget that while we’re criticizing others, we are probably spending money on something that other people would view as unwise/a splurge/pricey, etc.
(I know, because I’m guilty of it!)
But what helps me is to remember that when someone makes a different choice than I do, it’s not necessarily a wrong or inferior choice.
It might just be different.
P.S. I need to note that poverty-level living is not full of choices. When you don’t have enough to live on, you have to save every penny, no matter what your priorities are. So, just know I’m not addressing that here; rather, I’m addressing those of us who have the privilege of making monetary choices.
Christine
Friday 9th of February 2018
"I think the point of frugality is this: to save money on the things that don’t matter to us, so that we can spend on the things that do." So much YES!!! I'm currently cutting expenses in some areas to pursue a hobby that's a bit expensive. But I (and my family) are prioritizing what means the most to US.
Jem Horwood
Wednesday 7th of February 2018
Such a good post! I really value this and a few other spaces on the internet where (most) people make the effort to support each other instead of jumping on board the judgment train. My problems are more along the lines of feeling down on myself when people are critical, and Kristen, I appreciate the way you stand up for yourself. That’s as important as the kindness towards others that you cultivate, and a valuable example to some of us that tend to let others get the better of us.
SEA
Sunday 4th of February 2018
I really liked this post! I'm fortunate that my family is very comfortable financially, and I don't take it for granted. I consider myself very "value conscious": I want to get the most for my money, regardless of what I'm buying. Maybe it's a box of cereal on clearance, a pair of jeans at Goodwill or even a house or car; I'll spend the money if I feel it's worth it and that I'm not overpaying. My dad loved to coupon and bargain shop (so I come by it honestly), and I'll never forget him telling me how he ran into a very, very wealthy acquaintance at the grocery store, and this man was using coupons. He said to my dad "Why would you pay more than you have to?" and that always stuck with me! Really, why would you? If your favorite cereal is on sale this week, why wouldn't you buy a few boxes now, so that you don't have to pay full price next week??? Of course, like Kristin pointed out, this is for those of us who are lucky enough to have discretionary income; I'm very aware that when your money is stretched too thin, a lot of these "bargain" strategies don't work, and I'm not unsympathetic, for sure.
DD
Friday 26th of January 2018
Like almost everyone else is saying, this kind of posts are the reason I keep coming back to your blog. (Those, and the food posts, because I’m a glutton.) Everyone has their own priorities and values, and frugality is all about figuring out how to spend the available money to meet those priorities and values.
I see the same judgey attitude around food *all* the time, and I try to avoid that in my writing as much as I can. Reading this post was a good reminder that this kind of individually minded approach (rather than a regimented, “you have to live this way in order to achieve X” type of approach, whether that X is financial freedom, ideal weight or health) can still be super helpful. I sometimes wonder if “you figure out what you like, then figure out a way to have that without ruining your health by budgeting for those treats” approach I’m advocating is really all that helpful to people, but if the parallel I’m seeing between personal finance and healthy eating holds some water, it’s got to be. It was validating to read this and all the comments. Thank you!
MC
Friday 26th of January 2018
I think many money blogs wind up I judging space because the bloggers have to think about it so darned much and you try to come up with regular posts. When you put deeper thought into a purchase it can feel like you know better than everyone else who hasn't.
With that being said I think there are spending choices that are worth judging. But those usually fall into a category either of poor lifestyle or overspnding income. I would judge someone consuming $100/day of MJ, not because I think it's too much $ but because I tholink it's too much MJ!
On the flip side the decision that turns me off the most of many FIRE people is limiting children for the sake of $. Sure, there are levels of poverty when people shouldn't bring in another mouth to feed and my problem isn't per say with people deciding to have one or no kids, or a dozen. My problem is when the decision is motivated by the effect they would have on FI. Put off buying stuff makes sense. But limiting your little humans crosses from frugal to cheap and I find it very sad. Having six kids isn't "not frugal" and I judge people who judge it in those terms.